Monday, February 1, 2010

"Who's the only one here who knows the illegal ninja moves from the government?"

On the eve of my return to work, I made what felt like my last supper: meatloaf, green beans from a can and yellow cake with chocolate frosting from scratch.

Later, I watched a Planet Earth episode in which a momma panda bear had to hold her newborn - which was the size of the stick of butter I used in my frosting - for a full 3 months, licking it to ward off infection. "Wow!" I thought, "Just like me with my baby" only without the size discrepancy. Or the licking.

This same momma bear subsisted on a diet of bamboo, which made her milk supply so weak she could only sustain one cub. If she had twins, she would have to choose which to nurse, ultimately abandoning the other.

This morning, after a very sleepless night for me, I woke my baby up at an absurdly early hour to change and feed him and spend a few minutes with him. Then, I strapped him in to his seat and sent him off with his daddy.

This is significant. It marks the first time I have been alone in my house in 12 weeks, the first time I have been alone in my being for about a year.

As I stood at the door, I watched as they pulled away from me, the two of them together like some twisted conspiracy, and I imagined the worst: that as soon as that garage door shuddered to a close with efficient finality, I would fall into a sobbing, sniffling, sniveling heap.

Instead, I went and made some herbal tea with honey and prepared for an early morning pumping session.

And as I ate my instant Cream of Wheat, I was grateful that, although I'll miss my boy dearly and probably call his grandparents eleventy hundred times today, and know that the tears and anxiety will no doubt make an appearance at some point, at least I wasn't eating bamboo for breakfast.

[Title quote is from "Napoleon Dynamite"]

1 comment:

Trina said...

so you know that you ARE keeping these posts somewhere safe so that when he gets older and you tell him he isn't to do what it is he wants to do and he responds with something like 'you don't even care about me, your ruining my life!' you can just wordlessly pull these outta hiding for him to read!

 
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