Tuesday, July 27, 2010

And I said to her "I know. My lifeline is broken. . . "

. . . continued from here . . .

Needless to say, the rest of the evening was pretty. . . what’s the word I’m looking for here? Crappy. Even with us stuffing our faces full of hot cookies and molten “frosting”. It was wrong. It was all wrong! (Those recipes really suck!) (Have I ever told you that my most unfavoritist thing in the world is a botched recipe?) (Seriously. I hate when cooking turns bad.) ( I take it really personally.)

Before we knew it, the clock struck 9 and the kibosh was put, the smack was down. Our guests made their (hasty?) exit and we went about doing what needed to be done: pumping, bathing, prepping. All the while, my mind was focused on my silent curse word (and the kicking of the walker out of the way. There goes my Mother of the Year award!).

Along with feeling drained, and frazzled, and headachey, and sore throaty, and wondering how on earth I was going to make it through another (!) week, I suddenly felt lost. Far far away. Sad. Out of control? Stupid?

I reached out for a lifeline.

My hand grabbed the conference version of the Ensign, which has been floating around my house, largely unread, since May.

I read several articles that reminded me who I am and what it is I am doing here. I felt found. Needless to say, I am humbled and committed to being better. I even sent a text to my friends: "Wow! I was in really rare form tonight. I promise I will behave (and hopefully feel) much better next time."

With regard to my faith, C.S. Lewis' words come to mind: "I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen, not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else."

My beliefs are like that. By them, I can see everything else. And slowly, surely, I can see a clearer, more socially adept version of myself. The self I was born to be. And she is not the least bit awkward.

[Title quote is from "Factory Girl"]

1 comment:

Kalli Ko said...

when does C.S. Lewis not have something good to say?

great post

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