Thursday, July 8, 2010

“I make too much of this, right?”

It’s a little hard to explain. See, I’ve never had the stamina for spinning plates. When life gets feeling messy, like chaos personified, like one of my plates might drop, I pull back and things get left lying. This time it was my blog. Looking back over this break, I realized a couple of things.

It really sucks to not feel like writing. To feel like life is beating you up in your sleep or, at the very least, beating every creative thought out of your head with a not-so-soft pillow.

Then again, it’s kind of nice to take a mental break and enjoy a dry season every once in a while. I’ll never be one of those bloggers who posts daily or keeps any sort of regular schedule. I’m not like that in real life, so why keep up appearances here? Plus, for me, daily posts just feel cluttered. Is that weird?

I’m still a little shocked at the good days/bad days war that’s been waged since I assumed the Mother throne. It pretty much gives me a paining sort of whiplash when I feel balanced and zen one day and like I’m going to need all the king’s horses/men to put me back together the next. It ebbs and flows, this life.

That said, there are more good days than bad, and I’m feeling more centered and like I’m on the way to a return to myself. What I really mean is my problems haven’t been anything the perspective of time, a decent night’s sleep, and a closet full of new clothes couldn’t cure. Still, it is a little unsettling how long it has taken me to get to this place, even when I know I have a little further to go. To be fair, I’ve been kind of patient and just went with it, for the most part. But why for the love of chocolate don’t more new mothers talk about this? Or maybe they do and I must pay better attention? Or maybe it really is just me?

However it is, while I was away, I managed to not start a running regimen, to finally print a couple of blog books, to chop off my hair, to spend glorious snippets of time with the boy-babe, and yesterday, if you had come to my house around the hour of 19:00, you would have spied me in a long flowy skirt with a ruffley apron over it, cooking dinner and making baby food. I’m such a grown up! Or, alternatively, as I told M, “I am so the mom right now!”

And so it is.

[Title quote is from "Spanglish"]


The Sartori's said...

loved everything you said. It's just how I feel.

I won't lie, motherhood is hard and i still haven't found a real balance. I'm getting by though

Katherine Earl said...

I think you are amazing for making baby food. I don't think I would have the patience to do it myself.
I love my one-on-one moments with my boys. That's one of the best parts of being a mother...seeing them smile while laughing and playing.
I wish we were closer to help out with some of the balancing act. Plus, then we could see just how big your boy is getting.

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