Thursday, January 16, 2014

"Whoa, that's gonna be like a billion transfers to get back to my house..."

So.

Life.

She's zinged me lately.  First trimester death-march.  Winter colds.  Unborn baby with a muscle/joint disorder.  Poor husband working 13 hour days and most weekends (salaried). 

Yesterday was a bit of a doozy, for no real reason in particular.  But in the exquisite chaos (read: urine collection in my fridge, a 4-year old who likes to use his angry voice, and a house that, well, I just gave up picking stuff up) there was also exquisite beauty.  How else can you explain the loveliness of staring into the faces of your kids as you play Legos with them? That's the kinda FaceTime I'm talkin' 'bout, folks.

And yet, even so, I ended the day with hot tears of frustration making me blink hard before they finally boiled over.

I'm not feeling sorry for myself.  Or complaining.  I try hard not to give in to either one of those twin vices.  Instead, times like this make me think a lot.  And go in search of reading-type things that help me make sense of some of this craziness.

Among the things I read today, was this: "The Apostle Paul stated, “Let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us.” (Hebrews 12:1).  The race that is set before us on this earth is an endurance race filled with obstacles. The obstacles in this race are the challenges we wake up to each morning. We are here on earth to run the race, to exercise our moral agency, and to choose between right and wrong. In order to honorably and successfully finish the race and return to our Heavenly Father, we will need to pay the price of dedication, perseverance, and self-discipline. We need to get into spiritual shape. We need to develop spiritual stamina. We need strong testimonies that will lead to true conversion, and as a result we will find within ourselves the inner peace and strength needed to endure whatever challenges we may face."

Which got me thinking "what kinds of things am I trying to carry with me on this race of mine?"  The immediate mental responses: Fear.  Worry.  Judgment.  Impatience.  Self-justification.

Holy crap!  No wonder I feel heavy-laden.  Add to that the fact that my spiritual stamina and strength are nowhere near their peak performance... and you might begin to see my trouble.

I guess I relate to this because I am an (erstwhile) runner.  And also the type of runner who has her collection of trappings on every run: iPod, watch, water... and who thinks those who run without anything are sort of possibly nuts.

But, man alive if I don't find relief in the thought that when the Life trappings I'm trying to carry around with me on this long-distance race get too heavy to keep going, I can just lay them aside.  Lay them aside and carry on.

Which is exactly what I will (and must) do.

[Title quote is from "Up"]

1 comment:

Danielle said...

This is a beautiful entry. You're doing great. You will find the peace and strength you need. And it's totally okay that you don't have it right now. (ever since the passing of my mom I have this inexplicable urge to say this to people, however awkward it may be...) I love you!

 
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