Saturday, February 27, 2010

"Verbal ability is a highly overrated thing in a guy, and it's our pathetic need for it that gets us into so much trouble."

Recently, M sent me an e-mail containing the “writing samples” of a co-worker. Oh, if only I could be this witty at work (and not have people take it the wrong way). . . truly this man has a gift. See for yourself:


To: Facilities
From: JF

Subject: Men’s Restroom

To Whom It May Concern:

I happened to be using the restroom next to the breakroom at __ Street this morning and wanted to bring something to your attention.

Now, let it be stated that I am not one to saddle anyone with useless work – we used to call it busy-work – in fact, I am of the firm and unshakeable belief that if one does their work in a competent and reliable fashion that they should be rewarded with a shorter work week, a pay raise, a puppy at Christmas and a picnic at Easter as a reward for their competence and foresight, but I digress.

I was tending to my business at the urinal, planning out my next two hours at work, wondering what was on the lunch menu, contemplating the spread for the Superbowl, all while musing to myself over the competence and reliability of my own workmanship as well as what type of puppy the holiday was certain to bring, when all of a sudden there was a “whoosh” sound, followed by a stinging in my eyes and throat and a horrible flashback to a mace mishap at a frat party in 1981.

I screamed and backed away from the urinal, my hands flying to my eyes, unwittingly ruining my shoes and providing extra duty for the 11am cleanup crew. I cursed, once I had regained my speech and most of my eyesight and saw, much to my surprise, a battery-powered, time-released air-freshener that apparently was installed to freshen the air around the urinals in a toxic cloud of citrus-scented Zyklon-B.

Installed at head-level above the urinals.

This seems to lack foresight.

Perhaps, instead of hanging the “freshener” above the urinals and aiming the deadly mist at users’ eyeballs, we should think about re-installing them across from the stalls where the really serious odors are generated. After all, while it is indeed funny to imagine people screaming and spraying the floors while pawing ineffectually at their eyes and creating in essence, their own little mini-biohazard, it seems likely that the bad karma generated would far outweigh the actual implementation of the prank.

And all the while, the methane gas on the other side of the restroom remains unchecked and the most logical cause of the strange smells and random phantom fire-alarms that haunt our building.

Once again, I don’t want to create extra work for anyone and am all in favor of a good joke. In fact, I laugh at the Three Stooges every time Shemp gets his head stuck in a steam iron. I simply want to make certain that our safe work environment is maintained and policed at every level.

If there is anything I can do to assist in this matter, please do not hesitate to let me know.

Thanks!

Regards,
JF


Did you pee yourself from laughter? No? Just me then?

[Title quote is from "Sleepless in Seattle"]

3 comments:

Jen said...

oh my goodness!! that is hilarious!!!

The Sartori's said...

I laughed so hard my husband made me read it to him, which was hard to do with the tears streaming down my face.

Oh to have such talent with words

Jonathan and Katherine Earl said...

Loved it!

 
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