Saturday, July 23, 2011

"I've been waiting for this day my whole life... This day of reckoning."

There is an aching exquisiteness to my fourth decade of life. The impatience and impetuosity of my roaring twenties have struck out for greener pastures, and in the warmth of their vacant places confidence and calmness have curled up and made themselves at home.

Silver ribbons lace themselves in my hair, but I leave the tweezers to their rest. The microscopic canyons etched into my face by time no longer gape at me. My sponge cake belly and butter cream thighs speak sweet somethings to me - delicious things about the prime of my childbearing years and plenty of time later to seek out reduced fat versions of my confectionary parts.

Stocked safely away is an ample inventory of assurance about who I am and what I can do. But the stockpile turns to mush in my mouth, leaving nothing hunger and discouragement as food for the belly.

Under a more critical eye, I am revealed: equal parts angst and certainty, swirling against each other, a stormy yin and yang, surfacing in turns with the other buried deep. When angst rises up like a great harvest moon, undone am I by questions of “What do I want to do?” and “Who do I want to be?” and sometimes "Is my hair fashionable?"

In the nick of time, my Future, that alluring, chivalrous suitor, comes to my aid, bows himself before me like a lover to a lady, his bedroom eyes whispering to my soul. “What’s the hurry? There’s plenty of time.”

The rapid breath of anticipation finally steadies, flowing evenly in then out, a calm sea under a watchful moon. There is such delight in finding fragments of myself, carefully scooping those petals up and storing them away for safekeeping.

[Title quote is from "Star Trek"]

1 comment:

The Author said...

well that was just beautiful. And, as always, exactly where I'm at right now. It's constant mash up of confidence and questioning every day.

I've been having a hard time finishing up my twenties, but I've been told, my thirties will be where it's at. I have a sneaking suspicion that is going to turn out true. I just might find myself.

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