Wednesday, March 26, 2008

"You mean you were diagnosed with something called a brain cloud and didn't ask for a second opinion?"

One word comes to mind when I think about me. That word is "Cerebral".

Want proof? OK.

Here's a sample of what's been on my brain lately:

Pedicure for the ages
I got a pedi for my sister's wedding. Not quite my style: french, but with red tips instead of white. Everyone else did it. But that darn place (which gave such GREAT leg and neck massages as part of the pedi) used industrial strength polish. I can't get it off. Well, you know, the parts that aren't already chipped off. So I'm stuck in close toed shoes even though the weather is heating up. My sandals and flip flops are calling my name, people! Any suggestions?

Friends who cheat
I have a friend at work. We used to talk all the time. And lunch. And commiserate. I say "used to" because lately she's been busy, I've been busy. Then, the other day, she had a family crisis. I came back from work just as she was leaving to take care of said crisis. And a girl from another department was there. My friend said "she'll fill you in on the details. I've gotta go". Then I spied them going to lunch together.

I determined she was, in fact, cheating on me. OH was I jealous!! Her responses to me in person began to be shorter and more distracted. Then followed a week of NO contact from her. So on my morning walk (break) a couple days ago, I began obsessing. Thinking I'd pissed her off. Or she didn't like me. Or maybe she's the one that put that comment on the customer service survey about our department being "gossipy" and she really meant me. . . That's not possible, is it? Yeah. Like I said - obssessing.

At first, I determined to just let her go. I don't have time for this crap! Then she shows up in my office during a "2 minute" break and I said "I haven't seen you in a while. I figured you were either really busy, or that I'd pissed you off." To which she replied a pretty vigourous "NO! I've just been really busy!" Stupid jealousy!!!

Pruned memory
Further proof of my brain cloud is evidenced by the fact that I have very little memory. No. Not like a computer where the memory is almost full or where you get the "too little virtual memory" message. More like a tree with too many branches pruned back. A naked, skinny, memory defunct tree. Yeah. That's it.

What on earth am I talking about, you ask? Well, you see, there's this theory that we are born with millions upon millions (maybe even billions) of neural connections in our brain. As we age, our brain strengthens connections we use the most and pares down - prunes - those we don't use as often.

Anywho. I don't remember stuff. Like stuff from my childhood. Or specific conversations. Or certain details. Or facts from college. OK. I can't think of good, meaty examples right now. But, trust me. It's an epidemic on my end. Especially when people say "don't you remember [fill in the blank]?" And my brain starts doing that "retrieving file" thing, and the look on my face just shouts "processing. . . processing. . . processing. . . " And I ultimately have to say "um, no". And then I feel like a big doofus.

Why the crap can I remember phone numbers of weirdos who call often at work? Why can I remember names of recipients on certain e-mails from 3 months ago? Why can I remember brief episodes of my life, but no real details - like I'm watching Court TV with the blue dot over the face of my life?

Am I the only one who wishes for more memory? Can I go get some of that and have it installed at Best Buy? No!? Then can someone plant another darn tree over here please!???

Cheap housekeepers
My freakin' house hasn't been cleaned since. . . . New Year's Eve 2007. Uh huh. I know. That's going on 4 months ago. At first, it was because of all the rain. And the mud. And the dogs. And the muddy dogs' paw prints all over my white tile. And my area rugs. But the rain stopped about a month, maybe even a month and a half, ago. Still no sweeping. No mopping. And don't even get me started on the bathrooms. M suggested we have someone come clean it. Um, maybe when we get your first paycheck. Yeah. Let's talk then. In the meantime, spring cleaning? A complete overhaul is needed. . .

Bird bites
We took a drive last Saturday, during which we snacked on grapes. Well, the good ones anyway. The not so good ones sat in a bowl in the sun on the dashboard. I asked M if we could once and for all toss them. He said "sure - the birds will LOVE that!" And in the nether reaches of my mind I pictured two birds sitting nearby, one saying to the other "how the heck does he know what we eat!?" This is how cartoons are made, people. No lie.

Washboard abs, Washboard roads
Can someone please teach people who grade dirt roads how to make them smoother? Or to fill in the bumpy parts with sand? Anyone?

Or maybe those road people can come practice on my belly. I wouldn't mind the sculpted, washboardy-ness to pop up in that area. Not that I'm not trying. Well not right now - right now I'm slumping on the couch typing about working to get washboard abs. Doesn't count? I didn't think so.

Spring sprang sprung
OK. Arizona in March is seriously one pretty place. Well, at least for the first few weeks of March. Well at least the first few weeks of March following a rainy January and February.

Have you seen the wildflowers around our state? The patches of green grass? The mountains with bright orange flowers woven so tightly to them that it looks like orange spraypaint? If not, get out there! Pretty soon (i.e. the last few weeks of March through the rest of the year) it'll get too hot, all the flowers will dry out, the wind will blow loverly but colorful pollen dust around, and those of us with allergies will be MISERABLE! Oh - too late!

Dam tourists
Our drive last Saturday took us to Roosevelt Dam. I haven't been there since I was about 10. It was cooler than I remember. Except we were pretty much the only locals there. Everyone else was from Vegas, Alaska, Michigan. . . you get the idea. I couldn't help but think "all these people are here on vacation. I wanna go somewhere!!!" We're still in a holding pattern for planning on going anywhere, but we have some definite ideas. Which sucks. I hate holding patterns.

The only benefit from such a situation as this (watching carefree people take pictures of the "cool dam" and admire the "cool lake" and the "cool bridge") is that our dogs were celebrity dogs. Seriously. Everyone was like "oh look! dogs!" and then asked about them and petted them. Because people who go on vacation don't bring their dogs. And my celebrity dogs will be staying home if ever I get to go somewhere like the dam tourists!

[Title quote is from "Joe Versus the Volcano"]


The MomBabe said...

ummm, is that brain fart why you took me off your sidebar? or do you just hate me now? sniff. sniff.

Plus, are you coming to Blogfest?

The Scotts said...

You are hilarious! I love the jealously at work. I hate when I start overthinking things!! And I am with you on the house cleaning. I just need to find that extra $$!!

Salena said...

You are SO funny! I love this!

Yeah, I used to have a clean house...the last time everything has been cleaned was a week before the twins were born. I've decided I dont really care anymore...I'd rather sleep..or blog :)

Miranda said...

Hahahaha! I am so with you on the whole memory thing. T is always asking me if I remember things from HS and my answer is always, "um, no" after the really hard memory search! It's other things as well and if I don't write down what I'm thinking about, well I just as well should have never used the brain power to think aout it in the first place!

The Halls said...

i'm with you on the cleaning issue, or was it not cleaning?! We clean daily and that doesn't seem to work either!! You crack me up! You need to write a book. You are so creative and insightful!

Jen said...

i have no words! you are just hilarious and i miss having you for a neighbor! i love the things that you come up with!! oh look i did have some words!

Cindy said...

I haven't cleaned my apartment since I moved in last August. No time!

hayngrl101 said...

I hate cheaters, too. I have two sisters and sometimes they cheat. I hate that the most.

I have an excellent memory but for things useless, like social security numbers and student ID numbers. I also have a great memory for offenses committed against me, but those usually are tainted by my biases.

I need a housekeeper, too. You wouldn't believe the mess in my house with four kids and DH home all day long!

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