Thursday, April 8, 2010

"And the angel told the stork, and the stork flew down from heaven, and put the diamond in the cabbage patch, and the diamond turned into a baby!"

Despite being tired the majority of these days, these days are so fun! Both M and the baby make me laugh every day. C learns new things every day. This week, he’s learning to yell and how not to fall forward when sitting up. Last week, he learned how to rotate his wrists and use his index finger. The week before that, he learned to roll ¾ of the way over on his left side. He can pull up to standing, his little fists grasped around my fingers, after having his diaper changed. He “walks” really well (with help, of course). He giggles his head off when I get him undressed for his bath and we talk about him getting “cleancleanclean”. Something about the sound of the word “clean” tickles him, so I say it a bunch and we laugh together – him at the word and me at him. He continues to be a delicious baby, an easy-going baby.

In those first few delirious days after C was born, he went to the hospital nursery at night. I would awaken from sleep as deep as death and find myself alone in my hospital room, nothing but catheters, IVs, and beeping machines to keep me company, and I would feel the absence of both my husband and my baby, a ephemeral chasm between us. Somewhere in that stupor, reaching through the nebulous, was love. I remember telling my husband with as much fierceness as my weak self could muster, “I love that baby!”

In psychology, they call it “slow to warm up”. I never thought that’s how I was, but I’m learning that’s exactly how I can be sometimes. I suspect it’s because I tend to be cerebral that it takes a while for the deeper emotions to settle and solidify for me. Pragmatically, of course, I feel love and connection to others, but the metaphysicality of love sometimes mystifies me for years. As it turns out, it’s hard to put into words.

So, with our boy growing bigger and smarter and more interesting by the day, I’m completely mystified. The ferocity with which I love him astounds me sometimes. But more often what really has me awe-struck is that we get to be this boy’s parents, to his watch his personality unfurling itself before our very eyes, to witness as the pure and concentrated essence of his being flourishes, filling up his growing body. This, my friends, is why I think they call it “the miracle of life”. The creation of a perfect little body is an incredible, fascinating miracle to be sure, but the creation of a soul? There are just no words to describe the significance. . .

[Title quote is from "Addams Family Values"]

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