Monday, July 11, 2016

"Time not important. Only life important."

Today was one of those days where your past self walks right up to your present self, they dispense with introductions and then both turn to you, and you realize they are twins separated at birth.  Only, one is slightly older, a little wiser, and has three additional children.

Today was one of those days where packing up yourself and your five people and moving to the mountains to create your own little commune sounds like a splendid idea.

Today was one of those days where all the hopes of your past catch up with all the hopes of your present, mix together with your fears of the future, and twist all together to give you some sort of confused, very jumbled up reflection in your very own mental mirror of Erised.

Today was also the first day in many, many days where coming here and writing sounded like a good (and doable) idea.  Mostly because sometimes between the then and the now, I have come back to this place and my own words from the past have been a comfort to me, have helped me not feel alone.  And that is a very strange phenomenon indeed.

Today was a day that I kissed my children extra, perhaps as penance for recent days when I've yelled too much, or not paid enough attention, or simply maybe just not kissed them enough.

Today was a day that I saw the disappointment that seized my own heart reflected in my 6-year old's face.  Which made my heart hurt even worse.

Today was a day that I picked up my 4-year old and carried him around because I know all-too-well he will soon be too big or too old for me to do it.  Justlikethat.

Today was a day that my 2-year old chattered animatedly about being with the boys (her brothers) at the pool and I thought hopefully of the day when I might be worried about her being at the pool with boys who are not her brothers.

Today was a day that I solved the mystery of my 5-month old's recent and uncharacteristic fussiness: a newly minted bottom tooth - her very first! - and thought that it was waaaayyyy too soon.

Today was a day that Facebook reminded me that 6 years ago today, I posted pictures of a kayaking trip on Willow Springs Lake with an 8-month old C.

Today was a day I realized how fast it all goes, even in all the day-to-day slowness and sameness.

Today was a day where I felt a small success of having folded the laundry and supervised the boys as they did contributions in their room and the bathroom (yay!), but also felt defeat at the end of the day that the rest of the house looks like a toy and Lego confetti bomb went off.

Today was a day when a mandatory quiet time was very necessary, and where not everyone slept but everyone was quiet for a whole hour and a half.

Today was a day when I was grateful to be in the thick of things with these little children.

Today was a day when, in all the confusion and strangeness of my own-ness and feelings, I found myself so grateful for these amazing little people.

Today was a day when I was also very grateful for the other tall person I share this life with, and hopeful that, despite my frustration and disappointment with circumstances, I provided a soft enough landing place for him at the end of a long day when he joined me and our budding commune at the pool.

Today was a day when I gave the other tall person fashion advice about wearing brown and green together, saying my only consideration about those colors together is asking myself "will I look like a tree?".

Today was a day where big feelings sometimes felt Too Big, but where all the little things added up to something pretty sublime when I stop to really think about it.

Today was a good day.

[Title quote is from "The Fifth Element"] 

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