Monday, February 11, 2008

"A perfectly logical misunderstanding."

These sentences and typing mistakes actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

- Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at St. Martin Church. Please use the large double doors at the side entrance.

- The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

- The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight "Searching for Jesus."

- Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

- The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

- Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

- Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

- Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

- For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

- Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

- Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Father Jack 's sermons.

- The Priest will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth Into Joy."

- Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

- A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

- At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

- Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

- Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

- Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

- The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

- Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

- The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

- This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

- Ladies Bible Study will be held Thurs. morning at 10 AM All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

- The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

- Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

- The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

- The Priest unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours"

[Title quote is from "The Apple Dumpling Gang"]


Jonathan & Katherine Earl said...

This was highly hilarious. Thanks for the laughs.

Jen said...

so funny! i have to say that i love the naked ladies in the basement! what a riot!!

The MomBabe said...

whoa. I hope my church doesn't kill me off! ;)

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