Wednesday, October 27, 2010

"How'd this go all screwy?"

I woke up this morning feeling the same as any other morning.

Awake before I rightfully should be? Check.

Slight headache? Check.

Baby next to me and hub in the shower? Check and check.

Then M walked out of the bathroom and said “Happy birthday!” “Oh yeah!” I said, “I forgot that was today.”

I spent the rest of my morning philosophizing over what it means to be 34. (I tend to do that as an annual birthday tradition, you know.) Turns out, so far, it’s not muchly different from 33. So, as I went about my morning, several new insights did crop up, and I thought how being 34 might be different after all. Only one day older than yesterday and already I feel wiser!

And what kind of birthday girl would I be if I did not pass these observations on to you? (Warning: nudity ahead.) (Don’t say I didn’t warn you.)

One. Long, hot showers are hands-down the best birthday gift electricity bills can buy. The hotter the better. The longer the bestest. (No. This is not the nudity I warned you about.)

Two. Sometimes “getting things done” is much better than sleeping in. (But only sometimes. Like on mornings when you can’t sleep, for instance.)

Three. Naked Alone Time is the best kind of alone time ever! As a term, NAT comes from Friends (the one where Rachel spends her naked alone time singing “Love to love you baby” into a back scratcher). As a practice, NAT is something I’ve done for years. Sometimes, I even spend naked alone time doing household chores. (Shush!! Do NOT tell my husband! About naked alone time, I mean. On second thought, keep the chore thing to yourself too.)

Four. On that naked note, another great birthday present is staring at my 34 year old self in the mirror and realizing that I’m reasonably happy with the way I look. (This does not stop me, however, from turning to the side, sucking in, and guesstimating approximately what 10 less pounds would look like.) (Hey, gotta have goals, right?)

Five. Full moons make everyone crazy. (No pun intended.) Evidence of the crazy? Today at work someone asked me to schedule a meeting for 2 days ago. And then there’s this. Given the week I’ve had, I’m here to tell you October full moons are the worst. It's like Land of the Weird and Home of the Crazed over here this week! Leave it to a full harvest moon to make everyone so nuts that you start asking yourself whether it’s you who’s crazy and maybe everyone else is sane? You do not want to be holding the short end of that stick is what I say.

Six. Freezing homemade (from scratch!) treats is the only possible way to avoid eating each and every last one of 24 pumpkin cream pies. And if that doesn’t work, there’s always giving them away. And when all else fails? Two words: watery grave.

Seven. This time last year I was roundly, rotundly pregnant, nigh unto bursting with child. This year, I’m not and I just printed photographic evidence that said child is into absolutely Every.thing. (Hooray 34! And also? Almost-1!)

Eight. Scientists have been trying for decades to pinpoint the exact age memory starts to decline. I believe it to be exactly the week before your 34th birthday. It's the only reason I can figure for why I canNOT seem to remember my birthday this year. So far, I have tried to plan my visiting teachers coming, grocery shopping, and schoolwork over my (minimalistic?) birthday celebration.

Nine. I’ve seen the packages come through this week. And I’ve been warned at least once “don’t come out of the kitchen. I have to hide stuff under the bed.” Boy, am I in trouble! (Even if he lets me off the hook by saying “hey! You have a baby!”)

Ten. When your boss gives you a pop-up birthday card, complete with glitter and moving parts, and it makes you grin like an idiot . . . you officially know you’re a huge dork. (Only now, you're a 34 year-old dork.)

There you have it, folks. Riveting stuff. Tune in next year. I hear things go REALLY southward starting then. . .

[Title quote is from "Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest"]


Danielle said...

NAT? LOL! No thanks. It would scare the kids.

Happy Birthday!!!!

Nichole said...

LOL. That's why it's naked ALONE time!

Danielle said...

Alone? What is that? I can't even pee by myself. :)

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